To the girl who chooses to date me
We have grown up watching movies and TV shows with happy endings to love stories. People expect dating to be all merry and fireworks and in the land of fairies. You text them, they text you back, you go on a date, you find your soulmate — that’s how things are supposed to work, right? Maybe, for some.
You see, movies and TV shows fail to include beings like me, the chronically ill people. They fail to include those of us who have trouble getting up from bed each day, whose only friend is their laptop or a diary, who fear opening up to people, whose body works only if they pop in six pills a day — those of us who aren’t made the way majority of the people are.
And, when they do include us, (The Fault in Our Stars), they make it a fantasy by giving us false hopes that we’d find somebody and they’d go to a foreign land with us for a date. Yeah, right. Lol. That’s not how life works. If you are looking for a fairytale in a fantasy land, sorry, you’re in touch with the wrong person.
I’ve been trained to face atrocious battles alone. At 19, a horrible, horrible pain condition rushed through my door and took me to the abyss — a fall that still scares me when I think about it. I didn’t know what to do and nobody was there to help me. Nobody understood what it was — not the doctor nor science. I’ve been conditioned to figure out things alone.
But I crave love. What would it be like to finally find a person who’d treat you like a priority in their life? How would it feel to be loved by a human who was once a stranger? How beautiful must it be to have your person who’d not give up on you in the worst of your times? I crave all of this.
However, my illness has showed me sights of loneliness that I’d not want anybody to see. I’m a broken human. When you go to a gift shop to buy a present, you never buy a broken gift, would you? Why would then a human consciously choose a broken being as their partner? Afterall, you’d not want to be stuck being a caretaker of an adult, while facing the burdens of your own life. You’d not want another burden that I am.
I know you are a kind person and you’d tell me things like I’m not a burden, that I don’t have to be alone. But let me tell you this — all those fancy sentences feel good, but they aren’t practical. I’ve had friends leave me in the worst of times. I’ve had times when I needed to talk to someone, but nobody was there. I’ve faced these terrible, horrifying pain attacks by myself — not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I’m tired of talking about TN. I’m sure my friends are tired of hearing about it. Afterall, it’s been five years. Five. Long. Years.
So, how can I ask you to stay? Or, why would you stay with a mess that I am? Even if you do, it will not be fair to you. I’ll need you more than you’d need me. It’s just not fair.
I have so much love to give, but I’m sorry, I can’t be your ‘dream man.’ I’m someone who has to stay in bed when his body demands rest. I’m someone who wants to go out and party like a 20-something year old, but I can’t. I want to go out on random dates, but I can’t — I need to plan my days so that my body has enough energy to work.
You will not get the fairy-tale love story with me. However, let me tell you this, if you end up with me, you’ll have something special.
Chronic illness has taught me to be empathetic. I have special abilities of knowing how the other person is feeling if they are hurt, let down, or fail at something. I promise I’d be there for you when nobody else seems to be. You won’t be alone.
I might not get out of the house much, but candlelight dates aren’t bad, are they? I might not be able to function without taking my medicines, but I have enough willpower to get past whatever life throws at us.
And then comes my stupid humor. You’ll never get bored of being around me. I’m a mess, but a beautiful one. I’ve learnt to pick up the broken pieces and arrange them in a manner that they reflect art instead of screaming sadness.
I’m great at communicating stuff. Afterall, years of having something that science doesn’t understand, I had to explain it to my friends, teachers, doctors, and a bunch of other people. I’m a pretty good listener too, because I know what hardship is like. If you ever need someone to simply listen, you’ll have a person right by your side.
If you end up with me, you’ll not have a fairy-tale love story, but you’ll definitely have something unique. :)